Miscarriage & The Big Family Mom

I was going to tell everyone the happy news at Christmas. Baby #6 would be arriving next summer!  My heart was privately overflowing as I anticipated sharing my joy with my husband and five young children on Christmas morning. A week before that joyous occasion everything changed. The bright red blood told me all I needed to know. It was over. Baby was gone. The little one in I longed to hold in my arms was only ever held in my womb for a very short time.  The pain cut through me like a knife. It took my breath away. Every trip to the bathroom was traumatic. Only God knew as I wept silently on and off for days. The joy I treasured alone turned to a private grief. As if that wasn't enough pain, what happened next made it worse.

After telling my family the sad news we chose to tell others in our circles. Sadly, some things were said that poured salt on an open wound.

There must have been something wrong

It’s probably for the best.

It wasn’t a real person yet.

In the wake of a miscarriage these kind of responses can add more pain to the pain to any woman. Whether it was her first pregnancy or her twelfth. With one out of four pregnancies ending in miscarriage moms who have many children may experience this pain more than other women. Often these same women can receive comments that may be intended to help yet end as cold comfort to a grieving heart.

You already have so many anyway.

Why do you keep trying?

Maybe God is trying to tell you something.

Western culture is already poorly versed in how to come alongside others in their grief.  When it comes to the grief of miscarriage this is especially apparent. Most people don’t know what to say or do so they simply freeze up and do nothing at all. Others, feeling uncomfortable with grief and their own sense of helplessness attempt to alleviate their feelings by diminishing or dismissing the grieving mother’s pain.  One generation teaches the next and on it goes.

Having gone through this grief as a big family mom I get why some moms prefer to grieve in private. The following pregnancies they may choose to keep their joy private until after 12 weeks to avoid the added pain of dealing with other people in the wake of a miscarriage.  Everyone grieves differently so finding ways of dealing with our pain in safe, healthy and meaningful ways is important.

Reaching out to people for support such as trusted friends, family and other believers can help through the stages of grief.  A great source of comfort and support can be other big family moms who relate, empathize and can offer practical suggestions moving forward.  Sharing our story and hearing those of others brings a measure of dignity to our grief and comfort in our loss that is truly a means of God’s grace.

Once a measure of grief has been processed and the pain isn’t as overwhelming many big family moms find that they are able to give from that place of pain.  Understanding and empathy lead to a deep well of compassion for other moms who go through this. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble” (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) In turn can better prepare their own growing children, sons and daughters alike, to understand what miscarriage is, how to ‘mourn with those who mourn’ (Romans 12:15) and to dignify each person no matter how young or small as a sacred human created in the image of God worthy of esteem, love and remembrance.

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