Reducing Sibling Conflict in a Big Family

 


"Mom! He took my toy!"

"Mom! The brothers said I can’t play with them!"

"Moooooooommmmmm! He hit me!!"

These used to be common refrains in my big family home. To be honest, it kinda drove me crazy. The noisy, whining, grating merry-go-round demands to immediately solve my kids' multiple daily conflicts pushed me to my breaking point more than once.

In my early parenting years as a stay at home mom with 4 under 4 I’d find myself barking orders at one child or another just to get quick results. I was horrified with the kind of mother I was becoming. Irritable, prone to snapping and inconsiderate. I could choose to blame others for my lack of parenting preparation. However, at some point it’s my responsibility of what I do with the hand I was dealt.

The truth was,  I wasn’t being fair to my children. I was not being calm. And I was not preparing them well for adulthood. I was definitely breaking the Golden Rule by treating them in ways I would never want to be treated at any age.

It was painful for me to admit that to myself and yet it was the turning point.

It was then I began, by God’s grace and with diligent application, to deal with my baggage and learn new skills.  My children began to notice, to respond better and a palpable difference came to the atmosphere of our home.

There are so many changes that I implemented over time. One I still use daily cuts down conflict by more than half, empowers the children to deal well with conflict, and is preparing them for adulthood in ways I wished I had been prepared.

I call it Step 1 Step 2. It’s based on the Biblical confrontation model found in Matthew 18.

Step 1 is a simple scripted line the children are taught to say around age 6 to one another if they believe their sibling is breaking family rules.  They calmly say, “Daddy & Mommy said  (XYZ rule), will you obey?”  The question format triggers thinking in their sibling and helps them to choose a choice that will have an outcome.  The appeal is to the parents' appropriate God given authority rather than the emotions of the sibling.

Most conflicts diffuse right there.  If not, the child comes to a parent (usually me as a stay at home homeschooling mom of almost 11 children). They calmly explain the situation, I make sure they actually did step one properly (not a variation aka an  angry order), then I do Step 2. I pull in the other party, we clarify what happened and I calmly administer my ruling. It may just be simply directing one child to return the stolen toy with an apology. Or reminding them of the rules. If more serious I deal with it according to our family’s pre-determined consequences.

This has helped me be a much more calm mom and the children feel heard, supported and loved.  Step 1 Step 2 is so simple yet so powerful. Are you struggling with conflict and lack of calm in your home like I was?  Feel free to check out my free guide I put together to help you be a calm mom. You can check it out HERE.  You can grow in God’s grace & skills as a big family mom. I know this because I am living proof. If I can grow, you can too!

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If this blog blessed you feel free to join my Big Family Moms community where I have lots more resources and encouragement for moms like you overcoming struggles and growing in grace. Here's the LINK if you like.

 

 

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