Unpacking My Fear of Having Many Children


We had a plan. A good, sensible, socially acceptable plan.Three children under three was a bit fast, but once we had our girl and two twin boys, the back seat was full, our family was culturally complete, everyone everywhere asked us the casually loaded question: are you done? Rather than relief, I was overwhelmed with fear. 

What if we didn’t stop? What if God has something to say about this? What if we become one of those ‘crazy families’ with more than a minivan of kids and I live barely above the poverty line, secretly resenting God and my children for ruining my life and making me nothing more than a human cow and maid.

Ugh. I cringe as I share the hidden things in my heart. Truth is they were there. Hidden beneath the conscious surface of my mind like the 9/10ths of a iceberg. I could only see the tip yet I was being directed by everything underneath.

The core beliefs I had picked up throughout my then two and a half decades of life were running the ship. For five months since the twins were born and The Are You Done Question began I ran like Jonah hoping that if I didn’t face the question the feelings of fear would go away.

Perhaps they would have if I had held out longer. God may have given me what I was secretly asking for. To be left alone, in peace. The nagging doubt was there – what if this isn’t just me, what if this is God and I’m too scared to find out what’s on the other side of The Question?

It all came to a head one night. I asked my husband The REAL Question: What if We Didn’t Stop? Looking back now, I see that was the first step of exploring my fear in the light. I got curious instead of reacting to the powerful feelings. I started asking questions in light of my feelings rather than running from them.

Q - I’m feeling afraid (clearly – my racing heart and sick pit in my stomach told me so).  Why?

A - Because I just had 2 csections and if we let God decide our family size I could have 12 children via csection by menopause easily. 

Q - Why are you scared of that many c-sections?

A - I could die. That can’t be safe.

Q - How do you know?

A - I actually don’t know. I heard 3 is max. But, I haven’t talked to anyone who would know medically. Hmmm.

Q - Even so you’re still scared. Why?

A - Because my life will probably suck being a permanent stay at home mom. What a waste of my degree, talent, passions and abilities. 

Q - Who says?

A - Ummm…actually I guess I’m assuming that? God made motherhood and if he’s calling me to trust Him like this then it’s not just to suffer. There might be more going on that what I’m imagining. Hmmm..maybe I have some exploring on my core beliefs to do there.

This is just a quick example of how getting curious by asking gracious honest questions can quickly and powerfully reveal what’s really driving the emotion train. I saw there were at least 2 concrete actions I could take in response rather than blind reaction to my feelings of fear.  I was enlighted, empowered and (surprise) my feelings began to shift toward hope. It was so life changing I made this quick free guide to other women feeling overwhelmed with fear.

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. My journey of trusting God with our family size began with a question. Though loaded, it led to honest questions that led me to greater understanding of myself, freedom from false beliefs and limited thoughts, and finally into a deeper relationship with my Lord.  

_______________

If this blog blessed you feel free to join my Big Family Moms community where I have lots more resources and encouragement for moms like you overcoming struggles and growing in grace. Here’s the link if you like.

Popular posts from this blog

Fear of Dying & The Big Family Mom

Image
One of my greatest fears as a big family mom is parental death. If my husband is a little late coming home on icy roads it can take only seconds before I’m already imagining myself at the funeral, trying to comfort devastated children while spending the long years ahead weeping alone in our bed. But, what if it’s me who goes first? I have walked a tender road with ten c-sections under my belt, each one carrying its own very real risks of maternal death.  Then there’s always the things no human could predict or really prepare for.  Rather than stay locked in helplessness and pre-emptive grief, I have found there are steps I can take to ease my mind in the face of the one guarantee in this life (next to taxes). 1 - Make Arrangements  We made our first will and purchased life insurance when I was pregnant with baby number four.  The peace of mind this one action alone gave me was worth many nights’ sleep (which is a precious commodity for any mom of many!).  Plann...
Read more

Feed Your Family for Less: Tips for Saving BIG on Groceries

Image
When the normally cheap chicken hot dogs hit four dollars for a dozen I knew we were going to be feeling it in our big family grocery bill real soon. With 11 children to feed the effects of inflation are felt on every front, especially in the grocery bill. I’ll admit that I’ve had a few moments where I’ve simply stopped to pray these past few months. It takes faith, courage and spending savvy to face inflation like a Provers 31 woman and smile. One thing that’s helped me is knowing that I’ve learned a thing of two over the years from other big families who were just a little further ahead on the road of life than me. I knew my many littles would soon include fast-growing young adults who would need more calories. I’m glad I did some research and began implementing money-saving tips on large family groceries then. It’s helping us go through these tighter times with more calm confidence. Since there appears to be a recession on a rise, I’m sharing a few tips that I’ve learned to help...
Read more

Helping Baby into a Sleep Routine

Image
When we got home from the hospital with our firstborn daughter I quickly realized I had no clue how to take care of a baby.  Sleep became one of my most precious commodities as my whole life turned into a 24 hour series of naps. In between feedings & naps I scoured the few how-to books I had to find some magic formula that would work.  My favorite was found in Tracy Hogg’s bestselling book, The Baby Whisperer . Her simple, common sense no-extremes approach resonated with me and gave me light in the surreal fog of the newborn days.  Here are the highlights I used with all 10 of my babies to help them get into a healthy sleep routine. Babies Give Sleep Signals When babies get tired they give some telltale cues such as rubbing eyes, yawning and mild fussing.  If the window of opportunity is missed it can be harder to get them to sleep once they become overtired. As soon as you see those it’s time to bundle them up to sleep. Babies Like To Be Swaddled All but one of ...
Read more