When You Want More Children But Your Husband Doesn't


“I believe children are a blessing from God and am willing to welcome all the children He send us. But my husband doesn’t want to have any more. I’m heartbroken and not sure how to approach this? What do I do?”

My heart aches when I read these kinds of posts in large family groups. Earnest Christian women who have a heart to embrace children as a blessing with all the hope, courage and faith that it takes. Yet, their husbands do not share this conviction or desire to have more children.  Talking about this can sometimes bring up other things and suddenly there can be harsh words, tears and all kinds of strife.  I’m compelled to share my best advice to encourage, instruct & support big family moms walking this hard road so that they can rest in God and have good communication with their husband in all things, especially the topic of having more children.

My advice is to first, have compassion for your husband if an area of immaturity, ignorance or fear has come to your attention through this core topic.  Men are wired by God to lead, protect and provide. Trusting God with their family size cuts to the core of their manhood and exposes where their ultimate trust in this area rests.

Let this knowledge inspire your choice to love him in spite of his fear or leadership failings as a man be a matter of prayer. Like Hannah did even if it takes years of yearning,  weeping and trusting.  Be encouraged as you  “subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.” (1 Peter 3:1)  Keep loving him in meaningful ways that communicate love to him even whilst you are in prayer for him to have a heart change.

Next, if he is a professing Christian, go to him privately to appeal to him on the basis of Scripture. Rather than barrels loaded with a list of wrongs, prayerfully approach him in the way you would wish to be talked to about a topic you were sensitive and scared about. Ask him to share where he’s coming from so that you can understand him better. Consider taking notes to help you listen attentively without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions to really understand where he’s coming from. Once he’s done sharing his perspective, share yours using “I” statements (vs ‘you’) and talking as dearest friends & lovers rather than a combatant or child.  If he’s unwilling to even discuss this at all there may be deeper marital concerns that a counselor could help you address so that you communicate well.

Lastly, before making any major decisions, ask him to pray with you about this matter and if he’s willing, to study the matter with you so that you are walking in ‘one flesh’ purpose together before God.  Using a concordance or any number of excellent books written on the topic can assist your study. Feel free to grab my bestselling book Mom of Many: Embracing the Blessing of Children for a short gracious examination of the topic in a very relatable way.

If he remains unwilling to trust God with more children, know you did what you could from a quiet & gentle spirit as per 1 Peter 3.   Remain in a posture of prayer leaving your husband’s heart & mind in God’s hands. Discreetly connect with others who can join you in prayer and support you. Know that it is God’s kindness that leads anyone to repentance (Romans 2:4) and the Holy Spirit’s role to convict believers of righteousness (John 16:8). Love your husband even when his human fallibility is on full display and leave the mountain moving to God.

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