One on One Time in a Big Family


It was so easy in the beginning.

We traveled the world with our first born daughter. She went to more countries in her first year of life than I had in all my life. We’d pop her in a baby carrier and whisk her anywhere. As she grew into an animated toddler I spent gobs of one on one time with her. Extra long stories at bedtimes. Elaborate crafts any time she pleased. Never had to wait her turn for anything or anyone.

Then we had twins.

Spending time with her one on one became easier said than done. Her toilet training regressed for a time. Though she loved helping mommy with the boys and showed no signs of suffering neglect,  deep down I worried she’d suffer emotionally in the long run. That I would only find out later, when she was in therapy as an adult, that she didn’t get enough time with mommy and it was all my fault.

I doubt this worry has kept previous generations of big family parents awake at night.  Since the explosion of birth control fifty years ago Western culture has undergone seismic shifts in our values, priorities and goals.

The idea of children requiring a minimum of 20 minutes per day of undivided one on one time with one or both parents in order to develop into healthy whole people appears to be a culturally new phenomenon. One that I believe, stems from comparing the small family model to a big family model. When big family moms with three or more children compare themselves to their small family counterparts it can be a set up for intense feelings of self-doubt, blame and dread.  It can become mathematically overwhelming, if not impossible, to reach the man-made standard of daily undivided attention.

One way to look at this Biblically is from the perspective of faithful stewardship laid out in Matthew 25. “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away.” (Matthew 25:14-15)  God entrusted the servants with a different number of talents (worth 1.4 million dollars today).  They didn’t choose the number, God did.  He expected them to cultivate what He had entrusted to them according to their ability. Not according to anyone else's.

God created our children, entrusted them to us, and we have the ability to raise them. Perfectly? No. Only Jesus is perfect.  Faithfully? Yes.  Every one is portioned with a different measure of faith (Romans 12:3) which, in my understanding, grows as we mature in Christ.  So there is grace to learn how to connect with the children entrusted to us in a way that honours God, serves our children well and looks different than a family entrusted with only one or two children.

I have developed (and keep learning) ways of connecting with my children that look different for each child, in different seasons and are certainly different from my 2 child counterparts. Sometimes it’s more one on one for some than others. Sometimes it’s special connecting points of touch, talk and time. There is multi-tasking. And. That’s. Ok. God’s grace pours through my imperfectly faithful stewardship.  I trust Him more than I trust myself or the imperfect one on one time I spend with my beloved children.

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If this blog blessed you feel free to join my Big Family Moms community where I have lots more resources and encouragement for moms like you overcoming struggles and growing in grace. Here's the LINK if you like.

 

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