When To Have Boundaries With Friends


Is there someone in your life who over steps boundaries — for your own good?

They probably mean well and just want to help.  However, they may take liberties to speak into your life without asking or being asked. Unsolicited advice on everything and anything from your parenting style, family choices, homeschool curricula, hobbies, good grief even your marriage can be fodder for these friends unsolicited advice!

A few years ago, when most of my kids were under 10, I was still figuring out a lot of things about life, God, marriage and being a mom of many.  I was longing for a older female friend who could give me solid advice to help me embrace the blessing of children with joy & confidence.  I’d never had that before. So I was thrilled to connect with someone who in many ways was that.

Over a few years the dynamic changed. Liberties were being increasingly taken to speak directly into my personal life, especially as a mother. The messages & delivery were increasingly harsh, even reprimanding.  I pulled back and shared less as fault was often found with my choices and person.  God knows what happened. I leave that in His good hands.  What I know is this: I was in denial for some time. It took a mighty blow for me to admit the truth: this wasn’t how friends treat each other.    Letting go was painful. It took lots of tears, talks and even some counselling to sort out the broken pieces and move forward with grace.

I look for silver linings trusting God really does work all things together for good (Romans 8:28). Through that and other related experiences, I’ve learned to recognize warning signs of an unhealthy friendship. I now know how to assert loving boundaries in a gracious and clear way. I’ve become a better friend who chooses to treat others the way I prefer to be treated.

Speaking into someone’s life is a privilege.  If someone is overstepping your boundaries and justifying it as ‘the truth’ or ‘for your own good’ I recommend you pause and reflect. Is their advice & delivery weighing you down or lifting you up? Can you be yourself around them are you afraid of their reactions? Are you drawing nearer to Christ and growing in His grace and truth or are you asking WWTS — What Will They Say? If so, it may be time to re-evaluate if this is a friendship you will choose to keep, establish boundaries in or let go.  If your boundaries are being continuously overstepped you can create more space between you two up to and including letting the friendship go.  No fanfare or notice is required. You may see them around and be polite.  That’s ok. Know that you are free to choose who you let close & share your private world with. You choose your friends and that really is for your own good!

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